dear mommy

Happy Mother's Day!

As this time of the year rolls in again, I cannot help but to feel longing...for you. Sad to say, I cannot remember anymore the last time you spent Mother's Day with the three of us in one place. What I have in my memory were letters and cards sent to you, phone calls exchanged and you celebrating this beautiful day in two time zones (being greeted in Pinas and in NY). For the past years, it's JL and Jenjen's role to honor you with a little something to remind you how much we appreciate and love you so much. And today was no different.

When you called me up earlier today saying that you're sleeping over at Jen and JL's, I was so elated! Deep down in my heart, I was thankful that at least you'll be with 2/3 of us, just appropriate since Mother's Day is made for moms and kids to be together. But after a while, as we ended our conversation, I was a bit saddend to be not with you on this special day. Yes, I was with family as we had lunch to celebrate today...but then, it's is very, very different without you for me to personally hug and kiss, just to show you how much you are valued.

Mommy, remember the time when I wrote you way, way back then about how much I envy my friends as they had bonding time with their moms, going shopping, watching a movie or having lunch together? What I envy the most was their moms was with them to comfort them through heartbreaks, celebrate each big and small victories and even ground them for each curfew broken. Yes, I know that there is a big reason why you were separated from us. I have known and learned the benefits why you had to go and leave us to the care of others. I don't hold any grudges nor blame you for our shortcomings...I just wished that you're personally present in our journeys.

Nevertheless, I would like to thank you for all that you are giving us, for being strong for us and for always keeping us the center of your life. You may not be like any of my friends' moms, but I would never trade you for anyone else. I will forever be grateful to you.

Talking about journeys...I know that your first emotional reaction upon hearing Jenjen's engagement was not that of pure happiness and excitement. I cannot blame you as I also felt what you felt (although I am pretty sure that yours was more intense!). You were crying and all I can hear you say was "...si bunsoy ko..." as if that she has been forever taken away from you. I know you felt that way because in your eyes and in your heart, we will always be your little babies even though we are all damulags. Enjoy planning the wedding with Jen, it's something that you need to share as this is the last stage where you'll have your baby as a single woman. Enjoy looking over dresses, swatches and colors. Enjoy the time choosing cakes and food to serve. Relish the experience of preparing for the big day. Do not give each other a hard time, do not make this another mother-daughter horror story that we read in novels and watch in movies. It can be pretty stressful but you'll both manage. I wish I could be there with you, with Jen...but then again...

Just remember mom, and I hope I have shared with JL and Jenjen as they were growing up this sentiment, that you'll always be in our hearts and in mind and we will always be here for you, no matter what. Yes, admittedly, there are times that you are way so makulit and impossible, but then, that's you...and we accept you, amidst your flaws (including in english grammer hehehehe) and we love you unconditionally with all our hearts. Who else would have a sense of humor like yours? You're the only one who can make us giggle and laugh altogether without you meaning it :) I swear, we will soon have our own set of Mommyisms!

I wish you all the best mom...good health and more laughters! We love you!

**In the sepia photo, with mom are my cousins (ged and pao - which reminds me that when Tita Langging hugged me the last time we saw each other, I felt loved and maybe I felt that she was the closest thing, physically that I have of my mother being her sister), JL and me. I cannot find the picture taken the last time you, me, jl and jenjen were altogether in one place...

those were the days...

I have been procastinating on doing this...but when I finally started what I planned to do, emotions just suddenly came flowing. Bittersweet, but with the sweet outplaying the bitter.

Two weeks ago, I went on mini spring cleaning. I wanted to clear the other room of boxes because I wanted it to look more like a bedroom than a storage area. As I was segregating what to really keep and what needs to be shredded (hehehe) or thrown away, I stumbled upon some pictures and whatnots, including a birthday card given to me by jen, with her itty-bitty handwriting (I think this is the first and the only one card she gave me!). That deserves another entry and in due time...

The past months had been a emotional roller coaster ride for me and the other members of this triumvirate, and let's include our dear mother. I cannot say that we're all well and good because we're still in the process of healing, accepting, letting go and trying. But I know deep down in our hearts, we'll be able to regain the bond that we once counted as our most prized possession. The bond that no other person (family, included) can break. I still continue to believe that what I share with my brother and sister is more than comparable to a diamond - no matter how hard we fall, there will be no cracks that is beyond repair or healing.

Honestly speaking, I miss them both. I have not been very vocal about this and I know I have a hard time letting my feelings known (mom should know as I have been guilty of this even during my younger years). I still hold on to the fact that I look forward to just having the two of them all to myself even for a week or two... I sound like a mother hen longing for her two little, yellow chicks! (I remember consoling a friend a week ago...his status message was "I hate her so much!" pertaining to his sister whom he had an argument with, I told him those were too strong of words to say...To those siblings who fight and argue like cats and dogs...trust me, family is family, nothing can replace them, no matter how they get to your nerves!)


I cannot remember the last time that the three of us shared one of our birthday celebrations. Our birthday greetings are now through the wonders of modern technology instead of being a personal thing. The last time that I really had a good birthday was when I turned 29 because I woke up with JL greeting me, instead of just waking up by myself. We heard mass in the morning and we had the pink and green party in the evening. I don't ask for a grand celebration, mind you, a simple cupcake will do. I would even go to the extent of wearing another costume...but I guess being wonder woman is out of the question :)

I would love to see a new place with my brother and sister, instead with friends. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy time with friends, but I also envy them when they also get the chance to take time to go on daytrips or long weekends with their family. Yes, we did go to Boracay and Bohol for the past two years, but then it would be a truly different experience if it was just us three and all are first timers in a certain beautiful place. I don’t know if I make any sense, but I hope you get my drift...

These are just some of the things I miss doing with JL and Jen. If you could peek in my heart, you will see that from the simplest desire of sleeping and waking up in the same room or just being a text away if I need someone to have coffee or watch a movie with…oh, I could just go on and on.

Whatever I am going through right now, whatever predicament I am into, I know I would find the answers. As they say, everything happens for a reason. I am now throwing it to the universe...I may be missing out on milestones, special occasions, leaps of faith, journeys...I just don’t want to wake up someday realizing that I don’t know my own siblings’ dreams, interests, wants, wishes and plans...which I know by heart then...

Que sera, sera...



Take care, you two! Love you both!